I Don’t Like You.

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Dear Mister Grief,

There has been something on my mind that I just have to say…I don’t like you.  To be perfectly clear, I don’t like you…at all.

You came into our friend’s life, grabbed their hand, and you are taking them on a slow and painful walk after they lost someone they loved.  I just don’t like it.  I don’t like how you cause them to feel such raw, deep, and devasting pain.  I don’t like how you make them question everything that happened in the past.  You make them think about things like; “What if we would have done this differently, would this tragedy still have happened?” and “Why did our loved one have to go so soon?” 

You make them spend energy on all of these “whys’” and “what-if’s”.  This can feel so paralyzing, and it makes our friend want nothing more than to change the past.  To change something that is completely out of their control.  Why do you have to be so mean?

There is something else that really bothers me about you when you come to visit, Mr. Grief.  You always seem to find a way to whisper to our friend that they need to question their journey with you.  You make them question if it is “normal” to feel the way they feel.  You even make them think that the rest of us feel frustrated with how long this walk is taking them.  To make it seem that each journey with you is always the same…for everybody, when clearly, it is not.  It’s really not fair that you do this to our friend.

Another reason why I don’t like you, Mr. Grief, is because when you grip our friend’s hand and take them down this path, you make it seem so lonely for them.  You make them think that just because it didn’t happen to others in their life, we just don’t care.  You make them think that all of us are probably already past it, when the truth is, we are not.  We are not over it, nor do we expect them to be.  Usually, we are just struggling with what to say because all we want to do is help them survive on this walk with you, not make it worse and have them turn around and start running in the other direction.

It was hard to tell you all of this.  It’s hard to say out loud just how much I don’t like you, Mr. Grief. But now that I have, now that I have gotten this off my chest, here is what we are going to do to make our friend’s life better when you come, visit, and grab ahold of their hand.

When you come by and make them question everything in the past, we are going to remind our friend of this simple yet very important fact…we can’t change the past…we just can’t, no matter how much we want to.  And for right now, that is just going to have to be ok.  For right this moment, it will just have to be enough.  (Even when it feels like it isn’t.)

When you stop by, we are going to remind our friend, every day if we have to, that this is their journey and only their journey, so they need to take as long as they need.  Whether it’s a week, a year, or for the rest of their lives.  We will remind them to take as long as they need, and we will practice patience, kindness, and love during this time…for them.  We will do this because we love and care about our friend more than anything in the world.

And when our friend starts to feel lonely on this journey with you, Mr. Grief, when they think it’s just them all alone holding your hand and walking down the road, we are going to make them pause for just a moment.  

For just a minute, we are going to tell our friend to not look behind them at the past or in front of them at the uphill journey they still have to navigate.  Instead, we are going to tell them to look right next to them and remind them of what they will see….US. We are then going to grab ahold of their other hand, and walk with them.  And whether we know the right thing to say, or we just walk in silence, we will remind our friend, for as long as it takes, and through whatever detours come up, that they are never alone.  That we will always be by their side.  

So, Mr. Grief, I don’t like you.  I honestly don’t like you at all.  But if I reflect on the journey that you take people on, what I have come to realize is that you will show up sometimes whether we want you there or not.  You may even stick around for longer than we like.  You will, more often than not, cause raw, deep, & sometimes uncontrollable pain.  But, through it all, we will remind our friend that the pain and the path you cause will always be a reminder of the deep love we have for the ones that we have lost.  For me, there is no greater gift in life than loving someone that deeply.  At least that is something we can be grateful for…and for now…it will just have to be enough.

Sincerely,

Xoxo

Marsha

*For those of you struggling with something in life or have a topic of interest that you want me to talk about in this blog, email me at BeYourBestSeFlfBlog@gmail.com.  Let’s work together to Be Our Best Selves!

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