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To My “Bonus” Child –
The way you came into my life was not the typical way a child does. There wasn’t the excitement of realizing I was expecting you. There wasn’t a bond we were naturally able to form at birth. I don’t even have all of those early and fun life moments to remind you of like your first Christmas, or your first-time walking, or the first words you said. I won’t be able to recall any of those moments. I won’t be able to recall them because I don’t know what happened during those years. I don’t know…because I wasn’t there. And maybe I wasn’t meant to be there…yet.
The first time I met you, you were no longer a baby. Instead, I had to meet you like most people meet adults for the first time. But this felt much different. I remember feeling so incredibly nervous that you would not like me. I remember being anxious and worried that I would not “fit in” with your family. Of course, I was scared out of my mind that you would feel defensive in that I was trying to replace your other parent. I didn’t know what to expect on that day I first met you. But when you came walking out of the other room, and as I looked into your beautiful young eyes, I knew I would love you forever. On that day you stole a piece of my heart, and I knew I would never be the same.
Did you know that?
As the years moved on, we had to navigate through some difficult times together with you living in two houses. I remember thinking how much easier life would have been if I could have just been your “real” parent. But then, as soon as that thought crossed my mind, I would feel guilty. Guilty because you had another loving parent in another home. Guilty because I knew that parent loved you so much and deserved to have you in their life. I would feel guilty because it was almost like I was wishing for you to be someone else…someone you are not. And the thing is, I love you just the way you are, so I don’t want you ever to be somebody else. I want you to be exactly as you are, because in my eyes, you are so amazingly perfect.
Did you know that?
And then, as our family expanded, and you welcomed more brothers and sisters into your life, I often wondered how that made you feel. I often felt like maybe you thought these children were treated differently than you. I sometimes worried that you might think that I loved them more because I was their “real” parent. But the truth is simply this…you were the one who first taught me what it meant to love a child. You were the one who opened my heart for more children to come, and I have always loved you just as I have loved them. And just like your siblings, you are literally my whole entire world. There really is no difference at all because you too are my everything!
Did you know that?
And when arguments would happen between your two families, and you would sometimes be stuck in the middle, I remember being so upset at how much it hurt you. I remember worrying, every single time, how this would affect you now and also later in your life. I remember thinking if I could change anything for you, it would be for all of us to just get along and be the best of friends…for you. But being a parent isn’t always that easy, and sometimes our emotions get the best of us as we tried to navigate this journey with a split family. We are far from perfect parents, and we know we messed up plenty of times. But through all of the debates and all of the anger, I still knew how much all of us loved you. I still knew that you had two good families to help raise you. And I will always love and respect your other parent because the fact remains that in order to love you as much as I do, I need to love all of you and that includes the other family in your life.
Did you know that?
I have a feeling that so much of what I shared with you today are things that you really didn’t know. And if you didn’t know all of this then that is my fault. That one is on me. It’s my fault for never telling you, for never opening up enough to make sure you knew all of this. It’s my fault for never sharing with you how I truly feel about having you in my life. But the good news is, I am finally telling you now.
And so, there is one last thing I need you to know. While I will never be able to recall those early memories of you because I wasn’t there, and while I don’t know what it felt like on the day you were born, what I do know is that I am so incredibly grateful that your mom and dad shared a past that would ultimately lead to you! I know way back then I missed out on so much because I was just not meant to be in your life…yet…but I am so incredibly grateful that I am a part of your life now. I cherish every single memory that I get the honor of sharing with you in this crazy journey called “life”.
Did you know that?
Because if you didn’t, then it’s about time you finally knew.
Love Always,
Your “Bonus” Parent
*This one is dedicated to our oldest daughter, my “bonus” child. I love you, sweet girl, more than life itself.
Xoxo
Marsha
*For those of you struggling with something in life or have a topic of interest that you want me to talk about in this blog, email me at BeYourBestSelfBlog@gmail.com. Let’s work together to Be Our Best Selves!
🙂